How Losers Can Win at Poker

When Losing Makes You a Winner

Many people think that if they suck at poker, they must turn down invitations to Texas hold-em parties. Yet this in fact an incorrect assumption. Losing doesn’t mean you don’t win overall. Even losers can have winners.

House parties generally have a $5-$15 buy-in. This doesn’t mean that if you lose the game you leave in the red. All this shows is that you must consume or drink enough to make a profit.

If you go to a house that has a $5 buy in, gulp down at least 4 drinks. Don’t believe me? Do the math. Say a six-pack costs $8. 8/6=1and 1/3, or about $1.33. 4×1.33=5.32. Therefore, you have made a $0.32 profit in consumer goods. To further capitalize on being the loser, wait until the game is done then suggest ordering a pizza. Once this idea is popularized, look at the other players and propose that the big winner pay for it since he/she has “taken all of our money.” I guarantee the other losers will enthusiastically back up this idea. The free pizza further adds to your profit for the night while decreasing the big winner’s profit and so it becomes a less desirable position. (I say that to alleviate your jealousy you cheeky monkeys).

Now that we have established that you are not losing money by losing the game, it is time to look at the non-material benefits of losing. If you are in fact playing a game with boys and girls, losing can help you on your way to getting some. That’s right, despite what you have heard, the person with the cash isn’t always the real winner of the night.

Let’s start off with common sense. No one likes the person who takes him/her out in a poker game. Now boys, maybe you could look past your pride if the girl was pretty enough, but, being a girl, I know I would never ever get over it. That’s right, my contempt for the person who made me lose the last of my money would persevere past the drinks designed to loosen me up. If fact, the more alcohol I consumed would make me more likely to seek out my opponent and insult their looks/clothes/whatever in front of other girls. Once a girl has openly rejected you, you loose desirability to every female spectator. You would have virtually no chance of getting down my skirt or up the shirt of any other girl at the party. So if you are up against someone you think is cute, and you know you have the winning hand, fold. You will probably lose your money anyway in the end, and who wouldn’t pay $5-$15 for some play? I mean, hookers cost, what? At least $25. A side note to boys: Keep in consideration that your standards for “cute” girls change once you consume some drinks; the ugly ones may suddenly transform into desirable females so be nice to them.

Now that you have a potential hook-up in mind, there are two ways you can approach the situation, depending on who was taken out first. If you were the first to lose, tell your hottie that they played a good game but got a bad beat despite of what actually occurred. When they reply, “No, I’m not that good,” simply respond, “Hey, you’re better than me. I lost way before you did.” Then ask them for some of their tricks. Even the worst players have a strategy and it may be the stupidest, most insane thing you’ve ever heard, but pretend that it is the most intelligent piece of advice you can imagine. Following this easy dialogue will get you some goodnight kisses…on various parts of your body.

If the person lost before you, the opening statements are different depending on your gender.

Boys: Tell the girl that she played very well but there was nothing she could do. They played the hand correctly but the other player got lucky. This will probably lead into a conversation about her strategies for winning, which you can proclaim are the best you’ve ever heard. Yada, yada, yada, you know the rest.

Girls: Tell the boy that even the best poker players lose sometimes, including the world poker tournament players. This will lead into an elaborate discussion of why they lost and you can agree that they are in fact the best poker player you have ever seen.

Although both conversations involve admitting your crush lost unfairly, the difference is this: Girls are in touch with reality enough to know that they are only amateur players; guys are so delusional that they are convinced they are the best poker player in the world, nay, the universe! In either case, by following these simple steps, although you lost at poker, you will be the winner in the bedroom.